You may have read this before - but here's the first 200 (or 189) words of my YA Magical Realism novel, THE GLASS PRINCE:
Strange images started to pop in front of my face, as if some phantom turned page after page of a photo album too close to my eyes. I shoved my head back into the chair cushion and scanned the room for this personal-space invader. I wanted to see how he managed to juggle those images in one hand, while whacking me senseless with the other. My head ached something fierce. But, I was definitely alone in the living room. I still heard Mom tinkering in the kitchen. I tried to blink the images and the pain away.
Blink one. The leather chair I curled up in turned into some gaudy four-poster bed.
Blink two. I sat in my chair again.
Blink three. I recognized the white-steel front door. Mom’s ugly dried-flower wreath hung from it.
Blink four. The door changed to a gray plank with a nail sticking out of the middle, and dipped candles on a string hung there.
I clenched my eyes shut and rubbed my temples.
“Mom,” I yelled.
“Honey?” she called back. Her voice sounded small, muffled, as if I had cotton in my ears.
Feel free to comment! Or not. Or just say "hello!" It's all good ~ :) Happy Monday, everyone!!
15 comments:
What a fun blogfest. I really enjoyed your excerpt. :)
Hello! :)
I like your excerpt--I have to wonder what's going on with character's vision. Is it real? Is it a hallucination?
Oh, the idea of a someone or something being up that close in my face with dizzying images sets the scene well in the first sentence. I love the line: "I wanted to see how he managed to juggle those images in one hand, while whacking me senseless with the other." And the fact there's no one there? Whoa ... And then the thing with the blinks was great.
I want to turn that page ASAP.
P.S. I'm a new follower. :)
It feels like this is starting in the wrong place. You're trying to put a very complex idea across in the first page of the story and to be honest I just end up feeling lost.
There is a fine line between enticing a reader onwards with a mystery and just leaving them confused. I think you've crossed it here, but IMO it's an easy fix, just begin your story a half page or a page earlier so we can get a sense of the character and setting before bizarre things start to happen.
I'm intrigued but I think I need to know a little more before this. I like starting at an action point, but some of this confused me.
Would like to know what happens next.
Good luck.
I like it. I love the images. The only things that confused me were the images at the beginning of the "personal-space invader" and juggling images. I wasn't sure what that meant on the first read (the first time I read it).
I am completely for starting in the middle of the action. But I agree that this excerpt might be just a little past the starting point. Of course, I can't really judge this until I read more, but it seems there should be something just before the first line.
I also recommend just a bit of tightening in your sentences. Change the first sentence to "Strange images popped in front of my face..." And the second sentence to "I shove my head into the chair cushion..."
It's very interesting, though. Love to know more!
This is really interesting and I really like the blinks. I'm also in the camp that there should be a little more to the story before the images pop out to the MC. Maybe a paragraph or two of normalcy so we have something to compare the abnormalcy to, if that makes sense.
Oooh, I really like this! Love the blink descriptions. I will take the lone stance here and say I was not at all confused by where this started. It was intriguing. I get that we'll learn more later. That's good for me :)
Good luck in the contest!
This is wonderful Donea, I love the blinks. A refreshing way to describe this particular action.
hi miss donea! all that blinking is soooo cool. for me i could like knowing just a little more bout that mc before he or she gets going with the blinking. but for sure that blinking stuffs a really good hook.
...hugs from lenny
Love your title, and the blinks work beautifully! I want to read more.
Stuck on that first line, though.
How about this: "I was definitely alone in the living room when the strange images started to pop in front of my face, as if some phantom turned page after page of a photo album too close to my eyes." You'd have to tweak the rest accordingly--just an idea!
Very fun! I loved the blinking, such a cool way to write it.
But I'm totally confused! I'd like to know a bit more about what's going on before I'm plopped down in the middle of it. Probably just one or two extra sentences in the beginning would do the trick.
Great job,
K.V. Briar
Ooh! Very intriguing! You definitely set a scene here. Well done!
Thanks, everyone!! I appreciate all your kind words and helpful comments. :) Happy writing!
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